I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
doesn't he have a GF?
that just means you have to try harder.
i didn't have to try TOO hard, just told him i didn't want to know his name or...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
I love you. Go after that dick
Randomize
