Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
