I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
