my mouth tastes like poor choices
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
