We're facebook friends in real life
I'm lost and stupid without you.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
