alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
My balls are so social today.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Randomize
