What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Randomize
