never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
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