I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
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The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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