OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
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Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
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Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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