u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
