I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
I'm pretty sure "tag teaming" and "looking for stability" are not synonymous.
Not yet.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize