I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Randomize
