Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
