Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
this is an emotional support booty call
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
