Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
