he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
Randomize
