Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Randomize
