I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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