Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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