That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
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