everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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