just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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