NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
