I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Randomize
