I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
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