I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
