I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
