great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
