you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
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