Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
