i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
