I think I won the penis lottery.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
