I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
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He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
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you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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