please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Blacked out drunk in California and woke up somewhere in Arizona, I'm pretty sure I got here on foot
They are going to name an STD after you.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
