She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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