How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
