hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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