After last night, I could never be a politician.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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