Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
