I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Randomize
