can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
