I wanna bring you to show and tell
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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