I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Hope you don't mind if I never tell my family about you.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
She made me pour olive oil on her.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
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