wakey wakey hands off snakey
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
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