she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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