Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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