remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
