life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
