I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Is Oprah even human
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
