I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
