Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
It was a good dick. I give credit where credit is due. A good dick deserves praise.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
