I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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