Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Randomize
