The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
