I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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