Don't make out with my wife yet
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
