You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
