So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?
You need to stop watching Twilight.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
