Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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